1) I Accepted My Failures – At the age of 35, after several failed long term relationships including two marriages, I admitted to myself that, clearly, something was wrong. These relationships ended with loads of resentment too, never amicably. And by the time the relationship met its demise, I hated the guy. I asked myself, 'How can this keep happening?', 'Why am I choosing men who ultimately feel like emotional dead weight?'
In this article though, I won’t spend any time blaming the men I ended up with - because this is about me.
They could have been anyone really. But at the age of 35, I was finally, passionately, interested in why I was making those damn decisions.
Once I conceded to myself that I had no business being in another relationship, and after finally recognizing my own pattern of failures, I was then able to make the next, vital decision for myself - to take myself, and my relationship with myself, SERIOUSLY.
2) I Started Taking Myself Seriously – We all have our reasons for not taking ourselves and our development seriously enough - I started itemizing my own habits of self neglect and self-postponement, meaning, putting myself off and the quality of my own development for the sake of something else I was involved in.
One thing that was very hard for me to admit to myself was that I had low self esteem. I did. I had convinced myself that that couldn't possibly be true, I mean, my gosh, I had a degree in psychology, I was a yoga teacher, I was a good mom. I had survived being adopted and had even gone through reunification with my biological parents. Yet, I was fooling myself, I did have low self esteem and it caused me to not take myself seriously enough. I would sell myself short too easily and cared too much about what other's thought about me. Not taking my own self seriously as a valid, worthy person, damaged my ability to look out for myself. I failed to set really high standards for myself. Not to mention that I was raising a son on my own. I realized with deep pain and embarrassment that surely he would not take me or himself seriously - if I didn't show him how it's done.
What is it to takes one’s self seriously? Why do we hear people say things like, “Don’t take yourself so seriously!”? Sure, there are people justifiably guilty of taking themselves seriously in petty or unhealthy ways - but that’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about taking one’s self seriously as a seriously capable, developmentally aware, awesome person, full of value and potential. Independent of anything and anyone else. Deserving of one’s own love and attention. Once I decided to take myself 100% seriously, sacrificing nothing, I was able to determine that I could not, at this time, trust my own decision making skills and decided to take strict action against myself, in the form of – being alone.
3) I Decided to Be ALONE – Indefinitely. To be in a relationship of one - with guess who? Myself. It was now my mission to cultivate and nourish a relationship with myself. Now that I had freed up so much space and energy in my life I had room, time, and the strength to get to know me, in a whole new way. I also had the undivided power to execute the next stage of my journey - intense introspection and self therapy.
4) Introspection/Self Therapy – I went in fully on myself, examining my own psyche, especially the dark corners, from every angle. Meditation and contemplation were the key. Self monitoring.
I had to meditate. I had to contemplate. I had no TV. I had one child. No distracting relationships. I had time.
The revelations started pouring in. Over the next few years the revelations kept pouring in. It took time and patience but slowly I put my life together as one would a puzzle - and I looked at it. And I continue to look at it - and to fit new pieces in where they belong.
As I made more and more basic psychological sense of myself, organizing and categorizing my internal parts, I began to feel truly wonderful. Empowered. As I cleared the clutter and misunderstandings of myself from my inner world, I felt my life had never been better, fuller, happier, and it hadn’t.
Bob Marley said, ‘My home is in my head, wherever I am, I am home.” I had admired this idea of such a state of consciousness for so long, and now I was finally living it. My home really now was in my own head, not in someone else's, but fully in my own. I was doing the work that needed to be done for me to feel comfortable, trustworthy and fully at home in my head.
This made me not only a friend to myself, but a better parent, daughter and teacher. It made me want to expand myself and to celebrate my uniqueness and talents.
5) Talent Cultivation - When you’re a kid and not so caught up in relationships, some of your talents may have been revealed. Mine were. I was a serious musician by 3rd grade - even though it didn’t seem like anyone around me took it very seriously. I was a good public speaker. I was athletic. I was driven. I had a light within - but thought I should cover it up sometimes - so it didn’t shine too bright for others.
I decided to stop covering my light up. I decided to see how brightly it might shine. I lived for myself - dressed how I wanted, sang how I wanted, said and believed what I wanted. I taught my Yoga classes, was a major part of my church including head Chaplain, had lots of lunches with friends. I went to the beach, alone, and started writing and researching a lot. I led a couple of local Kirtan bands, hosted trance dances and cooking classes.
I began to trust my intuition, now that it had the space to unfold itself.
My life blossomed.
I healed.
I continue healing.
In this world, if we want to live in the light of mental and emotional inner peace, we must tend to ourselves every. single. day. Heal ourselves, every day. Fathom the possibilities of the future with hope and self security, no matter what happens. Which leads me to my last point. The willingness to accept life as it comes. Come what may.
6) I was willing to fathom the possibility of a future, healthy relationship. I was also equally willing to fathom being alone and relationship free for the rest of my life. My relationship with myself became my number one dependence. I loved it and love it now. There's no better feeling.
Acceptance of whatever fate has in store for us brings us to a deep point of self-reliance and self-referencing. Self referencing, meaning referring to our self as our own guiding light, also produces within us a healthy unwillingness to settle for anything that doesn't contribute to what we have become. An unwillingness to enter into a relationship that lacks anything.
I am now 46 years old. It was 11 years ago that I made that first decision -to admit my failure. I was then able to finally take myself seriously and to be ALONE. While alone I endeavored to reclaim my Self through inner work, therapeutic techniques, self-care and the cultivation of what makes me unique.
I was willing to fathom whatever. As fate would have it I am now in the longest, healthiest most unexpectedly wonderful relationship I could never have imagined. I met a self realized man 4 years after making that first decision. But I was only able to receive this relationship into my life because I had prepared for it - and because I was now in a place where I was capable of giving that type of relationship to someone.
I can guarantee you though, even if I had never met him, I'd still be happy and healthy. He would be too, if he had never met me. And now you know why.
You will never be happy with someone if you are not happy by yourself.
Comments powered by CComment